// Half of me //
Literally. I often feel like I'm only half myself. It's hard to explain. But this year I promised myself to be more honest..to stay accountable. To be real. This is me real. I'm finding everything a bit hard at the moment. Don't get me wrong, I love my life, my beautiful family, and so blessed with everything we have. But what you see on social media isn't always the real truth. It's been said before and I'll say it again, social media is full of a lot of smoke and mirrors. But I want to be real. I'm struggling, and have been for a while now. I find it hard to breathe, control my anger and my emotions. I'm emotional on a normal day, but this is next level. I never even thought to myself that I could possibly have depression. I just thought it was high stress and anxiety - which I've always had. I always thought I coped quite well with all the challenges being a mum brought. But I'm sitting here in my car alone - finally realising I'm not ok. And that it's not just normal emotions and anger I'm feeling. With the help of my BFF she convinced me to go see someone, and I'm so glad she did. I cried like a blimmin baby it was so embarrassing. But we talked and came to the conclusion that I'm not ok, but we are going to try some things first before we take more medical routes. We talked about what I could take and decided on herbal - and to continue with my exercise. To have 30mins time out just me after the kids are in bed. To go for a run. And to take high does St John's Wart. Then we will meet again in 2 weeks.
It's hard to be to honest! But there I did it. I'm still sitting here in the car sobbing. She asked me at what point things started to get too much, and I don't even know. It just happened. Like a sneaky cloud came over me and it won't bugger off. I want to be me again. Not feel like half of me..finding myself again after having kids has been one of the hardest things ever. To be defined by the humans you created and love. It's the biggest challenge of my life. But I've seeked help, and I just pray that I can beat this. Coz I absolutely hate feeling this way. I want to be able to take a big breath a feel it - to have my spark back. I live in my 'happy' shell. You'll see me smile, laugh, joke. Just like anyone else. But maybe next time your friend says they are ok - maybe ask if they really are. Coz I can tell ya if my bff was here she'd be getting a real soggy hug right now.
Lets be honest - Life is hard. Especially being a mum and being pulled in all directions. All the expectations on you, to Excell as a mum, to be successful. To be a great wife. A great lover. And it's ok to admit it's not achievable right now. And ask for help.
So this is me staying accountable to you. Being the real me. My makeup is running down my face and my eyes are swollen. But I'm going to keep on going - coz I've got so much in life to look forward to. I just need to get better.
Now I will go home and snuggle my babies hard and try my best to commit to the new me. Perfection is the enemy of good. You don't have to be perfect, you just have to be you.